For the probably nonexistent readers of my past posts, I would just like to say that I am no longer using this blog to post my field reports or daily experiences. That is just too much work and too personal. I will now just post resources I find in my quest to improve my social skills, make friends and lovers, learn languages, succeed at work, and other shit.
Today the topic is learning languages. I took Spanish in high school. I did better than most people because I was good at rote memorization. But when I tried to keep on learning Spanish by myself in college, I learned that at some point you need to have conversations with native speakers. This turned me off completely and I gave up learning languages because at the time I was far more under the spell of social anxiety than I am now.
I am now about to begin Skype tutoring and language exchanges. The website I will probably use is italki.com. Before I start though, I am reviewing my Spanish. To this end I am listening to a podcast called News in Slow Spanish, watching the presidential debate on Telemundo, and using LingQ.com. What these resources have in common is that they all have transcripts with them. This allows me to check my comprehension. LingQ seems like the best resource because it is free and has an archive of Spanish audio with transcripits, including conversations.
Youtube
Spanish Lesson. Advanced 10. A Day Out - YouTube
Marina confesses - Notes in Spanish - YouTube
Podcasts:
Intermediate Spanish | Spanish Podcast | Easy Spanish
http://spanishlingq.com/
Internet TV:
http://es.wwitv.com/television/136.htm
Spanish Internet Television - Watch Spanish online television and video and practice your Spanish!
Debate presidencial 1/9 | Decisión 2012 | Telemundo
The main reason I am learning Spanish again is that it seems like a great opportunity to practice having conversations. It is frustrating how I am trying to have better conversations but I have access to so few of them. Spanish is an excuse to have conversations with strangers online.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
A Wasted Day: 10-31-2012
Today I went to _______ University. A 45 minute drive from my home. Another familiar situation unfolded: I was so motivated as I was driving there. Then I got on the campus and watched the HBs walk by me. I went through multiple surrenders, only to turn back and say "Geese, this is so easy!" I went to the grocery and bought some nuts. I asked a worker where the nuts were. Talking to that worker made me feel more motivated because I noticed how timid I was. So I went back to the campus, thinking I was now in "Don't Care Mode". I enter this mode when I have done something really humiliating. But nope, I wasn't. It is enfuriating! I am so mad at myself, so mad at society, so mad at my parents for making me this way. I am so PISSED OFF that my life has been filled with lost opportunities and failures.
NATS:
The girl will be annoyed, scared, angry. (especially if I run up to her), and I might get kicked out of this sexual garden too soon
The girl will ask me where I am from and what I do. (Very potent: I feel lots of shame about my life and I feel like a creep coming to this campus without any reason but to chat to girls)
I will just creepily walk around again without approaching
Philorant mode on:
It seems that my life so far has been characterized by my total avoidance of feared situations. I was always a sensitive, passive kid who didn't like contact sports. I am starting to realize that my family is a cesspool of negativity. My parents live their lives in a kind of low-grade depression. This infected me. One example is my father's inexplicable resentment towards any mention of sex. Probably he is frustrated because he doesn't get any. Well FUCK HIM! I blame him for my failure today. Whenever I knew I should approach a HB, I felt like the people next to her would react negatively to me. But that's because I grew up with this loser of a father. So I project him into other people. And even if other people are jealous of me hitting on a girl FUCK THEM!
Anyways, this gets me to wonder: what is with the whole positivity thing. What I mean is, is it a good idea to motivate myself with the thought "DO this or you will regret it the rest of your life." Shouldn't I be learning to focus on the positive?
Also, it is so odd how bad I am at predicting my own accomplishments.
I'm trying to work out how to deal with the thoughts in my head before I CAD. Say the NAT, "The guy next to her will be pissed off at you." Do I reason with it and say, "No actually he won't" Or do I say "FUCK YOU random guy." My hope is that I will reach some realization which will enable me to not have to do a humiliating pre exposure before CAD.
Another thought stuck in my mind: Why are exposures getting more difficult for me? I have asked women for kisses and I have CADed before, but why can't I now?
Philorant off
POSITIVITY MODE:
It was actually over confident of me to think I could CAD today. I need to CAD in a place I will never go again, where utter humiliation doesn't matter. ie, a store.
In other words, some NATs are actually rational. I wish I could see some of them BEFORE I go do things.
DIET REPORT:
Yeah I fucked that up too. Ate four large cookies. Fucking parents leave cookies around. Can't wait to leave them.
TODO:
Doing some pre-exposure is MANDATORY
GO ORDER A WHOPPER YOU PATHETIC LOSER; ASK THE CASHIER AT MCDONALDS WHAT SHE PREFERS (its okay to eat shitty restaurant food: do you really think that you're not going to eat any shitty food anyway?)
Just approach some woman in a store you FUCKER. WHo the fuck cares if she's not attractive!
SUMMARY:
A DAY WASTED. A DAY I NEVER WANT TO REPEAT AGAIN. EVERYTHING ABOUT IT WAS BAD.
Monday, October 29, 2012
My First Post
Hello.
This is a combination of three posts from my old blog. I didn't want to take the time to post them separately.
My problem lately, as seen in my interviews and asking for kisses at malls, is that I am in this indifferent state. I am not being congruent. This is the difficult thing about exposures: when you step out of your comfort zone, are you doing it in a congruent way or an incongruent way? When you feel like everyone is critical of you, how do you crack a joke? Doesn't telling a joke when you are nervous require incongruent confidence?
A breakthrough I am having is the idea of Independence: everything is related but also separate. You can be indifferent to people on the street, but you shouldn't be in an interview. You can have nervousness, but that nervousness can either be converted into poor performance, i.e. anxiety, or good performance, i.e. enthusiasm.
Other cool videos:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiBCQoLTLrg&feature=plcp
This is one of many videos where this guy talks to random strangers and tries to practice their languages. There is a better another one where he goes to a mall (this is just an example video above, I don't know what he's doing). This is really inspiring to me. I have started learning Esperanto and hope to practice it online through Skype. This will allow me to practice conversation skills. The idea of asking total strangers to practice Spanish, for example, gives me a whole new goal to aspire to.
Review of Today:
Did exercises downstairs. I would like to go to a gym but don't want to spend the money. I did burpees, jumping in place, and planks. On Wednesday I will do the same exercise but do more of everything and in less time.
Checked out some books on memory at the library.
I went to McDonalds and was too afraid to ask the cashier what she preferred. I ate my meal and decided this is a waste of time and a threat to my health. CAD is congruent; joking with cashiers is not.What would be ideal would be if I could just tell myself: be more talkative and say anything to the cashier. Telling myself to ask what she recommends is silly because it causes me to ignore the present moment. I could have said "Hi hows your day going" but I was so fixated on asking her "what do you recommend?"
I went to the college I live by (am not a student there) and worked on my laptop. When it was busy passing period between classes, I walked around and looked for HB. Never approached. I blame having the wrong mindset. Negative thoughts filled my head like: "You are not a student here, go away. You're a stalker. People will be annoyed, angry, or laugh at you."
Today I was motivated to go CAD after dinner. Then after dinner I jerked off to porn. Now I am extremely unmotivated. It is Monday: fewer people shop today, and I hate driving and walking around aimlessly. And I have other things to do. However I often lose motivation after dinner. Next time I need to make sure that I leave immediately after dinner. This reminds me that I have a new goal: 10 days no fapping. The only reason I can think of doing this no-fap challenge is that I am scientifically curious what effect it has on me. I would like to see its effect on willpower, paper fondling, etc.
TIL:
Laptop in library is more efficient than desktop at home, and potential cad.
Don't go to fast food restaurants. Eating healthy gives its own confidence.Just eat turkey and carrots.
Leave home immediately after dinner. Tell parents you are going to the library.
Revive meditation practice: if Tyler and others recommend it so highly, then I ought to do it.
I have been reading Metacognitive Therapy (MCT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) lately. The fundamental difference between these "New Wave" therapies and CBT is that they tell you to accept the anxiety as it is. Don't try to avoid the feeling of anxiety. Accept it, and realize that you can do the function despite the anxiety.
They refer to the ancient Law of Reversed Effect that is found in Buddhism and Taoism.
What I got out of reading CBT books was that when I question NATs and do exposures, my anxiety will decrease. And it has, but not that much. You see, "anxiety" is a vague word. There are actually several components to anxiety. There is the feeling of anxiety, and there is the way that anxiety is processed. CBT ignores the distinction for the most part, but MCT and ACT do not.
This correlates with what I have noticed. While SA is based on a negative view of the world and can be lessened by questioning the negative automatic thoughts (NATs) that underpin the feeling of anxiety, you cannot totally erase the anxiety.
Why am I ranting about this? Well, I have run up into a problem lately. I have lessened my anxiety quite a bit by doing exposures. But I'm afraid I may have overdone it. Let me explain.
Exposure therapy (or as it is also known, the behavioral part of CBT), is sometimes likened to the formation of calluses (at least this analogy is made by nonprofessionals). Now, assuming this analogy is valid, ask yourself if that is what you want. Do you want to be numb to social rejection? Or do you want to sense it but not let it control you?
I've noticed that I seem to becoming more "callused" in my social interactions. I seem more detached (perhaps because of meditation) and emotionless and I find it hard to be friendly (perhaps because there are few people who interest me).
But maybe, via the Law of Reverse Effort, I am less friendly because of my exposure therapy.
I've taught myself to ignore social cues, to be indifferent to offending people. But maybe anxiety is on the flip side of the coin as friendliness, and by ignoring anxiety I am losing friendliness.
Emotions can lead us away from reality, but they also are better connected to intuition and can do things that the conscious, logical mind cannot.
So my plan is to find a way to convert anxiety into friendliness (ie, excitement for meeting people). I've heard of this idea from public speaking texts.
Or, speaking theoretically again, perhaps anxiety is not linked to friendliness. Perhaps I have finally gotten over anxiety. Friendliness may be its own separate "drive", which in my case has been atrophied. I now must focus on developing my friendliness. An analogy might be a person who is afraid of dogs. Through most of his life this person avoided them. Now he is not afraid of them, but he has conflicting feelings about them. When he sees them he wants to approach them, but then he suddenly loses the desire to pet them. Is this anxiety working from the shadows?
This is a combination of three posts from my old blog. I didn't want to take the time to post them separately.
Long Term Goals:
- Approach one HB a day
- No sugar or refined grains in diet
- Regular Skype conversations in foreign language
- Approach strangers in public and ask to speak Spanish
- Reach a state of control on masturbatory and pornographic activities (whatever that is)
- Weightlifting: squats etc. A muscular physique and corrected posture.
- A treadmill office desktop
- Can start a conversation with anyone
Diary 10-29-2012
Being Congruent To Whatever Emotions You Feel (+Effects Of Validation Revealed)
How To Build Willpower VS Positive Emotions
Tyler's Most Gangster Exercise For Entitlement
The Hottest Women Are Easy: How To Steal A Girl From James Bond
These videos remind me of my mental state that best enables me to talk to hot women: it is a self-deprecating, clowny, babyish and effeminate mode of being. The best CAD so far was when I was wearing the Jesus Dinosaur shirt. I remember feeling less anxiety when I wore a bizarre shirt. You see, I want to be more of an alpha male. So I imagine myself approaching as an alpha, macho man. But I think my brain knows this is not possible. It knows that this interaction will probably be awkward and embarrassing. I am realizing that it is a good thing to reveal the nervousness in my voice. A valuable man doesn't feel the need to hide his emotions or worry about appearing feminine or low-value. I need to accept that I am a loser at the present moment. No woman is likely to go out with me right now. All I am doing is giving a woman a compliment and making her day.
My problem lately, as seen in my interviews and asking for kisses at malls, is that I am in this indifferent state. I am not being congruent. This is the difficult thing about exposures: when you step out of your comfort zone, are you doing it in a congruent way or an incongruent way? When you feel like everyone is critical of you, how do you crack a joke? Doesn't telling a joke when you are nervous require incongruent confidence?
A breakthrough I am having is the idea of Independence: everything is related but also separate. You can be indifferent to people on the street, but you shouldn't be in an interview. You can have nervousness, but that nervousness can either be converted into poor performance, i.e. anxiety, or good performance, i.e. enthusiasm.
Other cool videos:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiBCQoLTLrg&feature=plcp
This is one of many videos where this guy talks to random strangers and tries to practice their languages. There is a better another one where he goes to a mall (this is just an example video above, I don't know what he's doing). This is really inspiring to me. I have started learning Esperanto and hope to practice it online through Skype. This will allow me to practice conversation skills. The idea of asking total strangers to practice Spanish, for example, gives me a whole new goal to aspire to.
Review of Today:
Did exercises downstairs. I would like to go to a gym but don't want to spend the money. I did burpees, jumping in place, and planks. On Wednesday I will do the same exercise but do more of everything and in less time.
Checked out some books on memory at the library.
I went to McDonalds and was too afraid to ask the cashier what she preferred. I ate my meal and decided this is a waste of time and a threat to my health. CAD is congruent; joking with cashiers is not.What would be ideal would be if I could just tell myself: be more talkative and say anything to the cashier. Telling myself to ask what she recommends is silly because it causes me to ignore the present moment. I could have said "Hi hows your day going" but I was so fixated on asking her "what do you recommend?"
I went to the college I live by (am not a student there) and worked on my laptop. When it was busy passing period between classes, I walked around and looked for HB. Never approached. I blame having the wrong mindset. Negative thoughts filled my head like: "You are not a student here, go away. You're a stalker. People will be annoyed, angry, or laugh at you."
Today I was motivated to go CAD after dinner. Then after dinner I jerked off to porn. Now I am extremely unmotivated. It is Monday: fewer people shop today, and I hate driving and walking around aimlessly. And I have other things to do. However I often lose motivation after dinner. Next time I need to make sure that I leave immediately after dinner. This reminds me that I have a new goal: 10 days no fapping. The only reason I can think of doing this no-fap challenge is that I am scientifically curious what effect it has on me. I would like to see its effect on willpower, paper fondling, etc.
TIL:
Laptop in library is more efficient than desktop at home, and potential cad.
Don't go to fast food restaurants. Eating healthy gives its own confidence.Just eat turkey and carrots.
Leave home immediately after dinner. Tell parents you are going to the library.
Revive meditation practice: if Tyler and others recommend it so highly, then I ought to do it.
MCT and ACT
I have been reading Metacognitive Therapy (MCT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) lately. The fundamental difference between these "New Wave" therapies and CBT is that they tell you to accept the anxiety as it is. Don't try to avoid the feeling of anxiety. Accept it, and realize that you can do the function despite the anxiety.
They refer to the ancient Law of Reversed Effect that is found in Buddhism and Taoism.
What I got out of reading CBT books was that when I question NATs and do exposures, my anxiety will decrease. And it has, but not that much. You see, "anxiety" is a vague word. There are actually several components to anxiety. There is the feeling of anxiety, and there is the way that anxiety is processed. CBT ignores the distinction for the most part, but MCT and ACT do not.
This correlates with what I have noticed. While SA is based on a negative view of the world and can be lessened by questioning the negative automatic thoughts (NATs) that underpin the feeling of anxiety, you cannot totally erase the anxiety.
Why am I ranting about this? Well, I have run up into a problem lately. I have lessened my anxiety quite a bit by doing exposures. But I'm afraid I may have overdone it. Let me explain.
Exposure therapy (or as it is also known, the behavioral part of CBT), is sometimes likened to the formation of calluses (at least this analogy is made by nonprofessionals). Now, assuming this analogy is valid, ask yourself if that is what you want. Do you want to be numb to social rejection? Or do you want to sense it but not let it control you?
I've noticed that I seem to becoming more "callused" in my social interactions. I seem more detached (perhaps because of meditation) and emotionless and I find it hard to be friendly (perhaps because there are few people who interest me).
But maybe, via the Law of Reverse Effort, I am less friendly because of my exposure therapy.
I've taught myself to ignore social cues, to be indifferent to offending people. But maybe anxiety is on the flip side of the coin as friendliness, and by ignoring anxiety I am losing friendliness.
Emotions can lead us away from reality, but they also are better connected to intuition and can do things that the conscious, logical mind cannot.
So my plan is to find a way to convert anxiety into friendliness (ie, excitement for meeting people). I've heard of this idea from public speaking texts.
Or, speaking theoretically again, perhaps anxiety is not linked to friendliness. Perhaps I have finally gotten over anxiety. Friendliness may be its own separate "drive", which in my case has been atrophied. I now must focus on developing my friendliness. An analogy might be a person who is afraid of dogs. Through most of his life this person avoided them. Now he is not afraid of them, but he has conflicting feelings about them. When he sees them he wants to approach them, but then he suddenly loses the desire to pet them. Is this anxiety working from the shadows?
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