A Wasted Day: 10-31-2012

Today I went to _______ University. A 45 minute drive from my home. Another familiar situation unfolded: I was so motivated as I was driving there. Then I got on the campus and watched the HBs walk by me. I went through multiple surrenders, only to turn back and say "Geese, this is so easy!" I went to the grocery and bought some nuts. I asked a worker where the nuts were. Talking to that worker made me feel more motivated because I noticed how timid I was. So I went back to the campus, thinking I was now in "Don't Care Mode". I enter this mode when I have done something really humiliating. But nope, I wasn't. It is enfuriating! I am so mad at myself, so mad at society, so mad at my parents for making me this way. I am so PISSED OFF that my life has been filled with lost opportunities and failures.
NATS:
The girl will be annoyed, scared, angry. (especially if I run up to her), and I might get kicked out of this sexual garden too soon
The girl will ask me where I am from and what I do. (Very potent: I feel lots of shame about my life and I feel like a creep coming to this campus without any reason but to chat to girls)
I will just creepily walk around again without approaching

Philorant mode on:
It seems that my life so far has been characterized by my total avoidance of feared situations. I was always a sensitive, passive kid who didn't like contact sports. I am starting to realize that my family is a cesspool of negativity. My parents live their lives in a kind of low-grade depression. This infected me. One example is my father's inexplicable resentment towards any mention of sex. Probably he is frustrated because he doesn't get any. Well FUCK HIM! I blame him for my failure today. Whenever I knew I should approach a HB, I felt like the people next to her would react negatively to me. But that's because I grew up with this loser of a father. So I project him into other people. And even if other people are jealous of me hitting on a girl FUCK THEM!

Anyways, this gets me to wonder: what is with the whole positivity thing. What I mean is, is it a good idea to motivate myself with the thought "DO this or you will regret it the rest of your life." Shouldn't I be learning to focus on the positive?

Also, it is so odd how bad I am at predicting my own accomplishments.

I'm trying to work out how to deal with the thoughts in my head before I CAD. Say the NAT, "The guy next to her will be pissed off at you." Do I reason with it and say, "No actually he won't" Or do I say "FUCK YOU random guy." My hope is that I will reach some realization which will enable me to not have to do a humiliating pre exposure before CAD.

Another thought stuck in my mind: Why are exposures getting more difficult for me? I have asked women for kisses and I have CADed before, but why can't I now?
Philorant off

POSITIVITY MODE:
It was actually over confident of me to think I could CAD today. I need to CAD in a place I will never go again, where utter humiliation doesn't matter. ie, a store.
In other words, some NATs are actually rational. I wish I could see some of them BEFORE I go do things.

DIET REPORT:
Yeah I fucked that up too. Ate four large cookies. Fucking parents leave cookies around. Can't wait to leave them.

TODO:
Doing some pre-exposure is MANDATORY
GO ORDER A WHOPPER YOU PATHETIC LOSER; ASK THE CASHIER AT MCDONALDS WHAT SHE PREFERS (its okay to eat shitty restaurant food: do you really think that you're not going to eat any shitty food anyway?)
Just approach some woman in a store you FUCKER. WHo the fuck cares if she's not attractive!

SUMMARY:
A DAY WASTED. A DAY I NEVER WANT TO REPEAT AGAIN. EVERYTHING ABOUT IT WAS BAD.